Football season is almost over for another year.  Christmas..bah humbug...is almost upon us again.  And another year is coming to an end.  And nothing in my life has improved.  No dates, no lost weight, less money,  still gambling.

You know how some people are born with disabilities.  I think I was born with something missing on the inside.  That part of a person that allows them to be content and happy.  That thing that keeps most people from always feeling discontented and tormented.  Somebody left out the happy gene from my makeup.  I am blessed beyond belief...and I cannot be happy.  Just cannot do it.  I have a safe job in this time of fear.  I am basically healthy even though I have never taken care of myself.  My family still lives and is healthy.  I have a few friends.  I am not young and pretty anymore, but I am not horrible looking.  My life is not hard.

There are so many who have so much less.  I am blessed.  And I just cannot be happy.

I have never been.  No matter what.  I have had "moments" of happiness of course.  But, long term sustained being content with my life.  No way.  I have the ability to always find some reason to be unhappy.  I am now 52 years old.  and I guess without a miracle from God, I am not going to change.  That is a horrible thought, but I think it's true.

I am always thinking ...with this one thing...I could be happy.  If just this would happy, then I could be happy. 

Use to be I would moan groan and cry all the time.  I got drugs for that of course years ago.  Then Keith left me, and I think I died inside.  8 years ago and counting.  I have been empty ever since.  Going through the motions, but feeling nothing except despair sometimes. 

Basing my happiness on some outside object.  Keith or money or my looks.  I know all that is wrong.  I am a smart girl.  I know that.  But, I don't know how to be different.

I have tried.

It's been 4 years since I have had sex.  It has been 4 years since I have been close emotionally to anyone.  Mickey asks me...am I dating anyone.  And I said today...no...and I guess I never will.  There is no white man that has looked at me like I am someone of interest in so long I don't remember what it looks like.  I guess I am too fat.

It's very odd.  Black men still think I am sexy and good looking.  I don't understand why.  But, I only see that flare in the eyes of black men.  No white men.  And this is Alabama.  Unless I want to be strung up, I cannot date a black man.  Not in this time and not in this place.  So, I go along....and go along....so fricking desperately lonely I don't know what to do with myself.

If I drink, I actually think of going to a bar and just asking some strange man to come home with me, so I can feel naked body against naked body.  But, I am afraid to....because most men would turn me down these days. 

I know Mickey would gladly accommodate me....but there are strings attached to that.  Strings I have worked hard on detaching.

RIck still hasn't called or emailed and apologized.  Mickey has.  He called and emailed asking me to forgive him for acting like he did.  I accepted his apology.

He said he missed me...blah blah.

Someone please come save me.  A Knight in shining armour.  Come sweep me up and take me off to happiness.

Please

It's been an interesting month.  I found out two people I thought were friends, weren't.  I finished a month of not gambling.  And I found out I have high cholesterol.  Fun month ..oh yes.

I organized a football watching party at Rick's house, with people I thought were my friends.  And during the course of the night, I was completely ignored, like I was invisible.  So at the end of the game I walked out without saying anything.  No one came after me.  No one cared where I was going to stay that night.  No one checked on me the next day.  No one cared.  So I sent an email to the two, and said thank you so much for making me feel invisible...I appreciate all the love.  I planned a party to be with the people I love...and found out I wasn't very important to them at all.  And I never heard from them again.  So that was fun.

then I finished a month not gambling.  which was very hard.  And I went the day after the month was over.  And lost $500 ...and that was alot of fun too.

Then I found out my cholesterol is not good at all

TOTAL CHOLESTEROL 265 SUPPOSED TO BE UNDER 200

HDL 33  SUPPOSED TO BE OVER 60

LDL 181  SUPPOSED TO BE UNDER 160

TRIGLYCERIDES 256  SUPPOSED TO BE UNDER 150

AND TOTAL CHOLESTEROL HDL RATIO 8.1 ...SUPPOSED TO BE ..I FORGET

with that and my smoking...I am a walking time bomb right now..woohooo

so I am now on lipitor and trying to change my eating habits

life is good huh?

I hope no one reads this anymore.  I don't write much lately.  No one who knows me knows how desperate I am.  Rick has been in relationships the entire time I have been alone.  And lonely.  Never really considering the fact that I am here by myself day after day, night after night.  Margie and Jerry have children and I don't tell them much of anything anymore.  Sherry is a joy, but it's mostly all about her.  Ann ....she knows it's a miracle that I am still alive.....and has told me she expects to one day hear I have killed myself.  It's been 7 years since Keith left me for Annie.  And I still don't have alife.  I still don't have an idenity.  I am just subsisting....and I guess I always will. 

I always wanted a man in my life.  but I didn't know I just don't exist without one.  Even after all this time. 

I just don't have any reason to be alive.  I don't contribute enough to this world to be around.

Johnny my bro...has enough money to completely change my lfe course..... to get me away from Montgomery...and away from the casino...and maybe start a new life....but he doesn't get it.n  He has a perfect life...and a perfect wife...and three perfect boys....and makes more money than God....he doesn't have a clue of what my life is like......his biggest decision is whether to buy a bmw convertible or a mercedes convertible....which is the conversation we had on the way to the funeral the other day....

Mom...also has enough money to do the same....but JOHN....would just tell me to suck it up....and she cannot help me without his approval.

yes....I want someone to resue me ...because obviously God isn't gonna do it...and also obviously I cannot fix myself....

and I haven't had a date in 5 years....no one wants a 52 year old chubby woman...

I think now it's better never to have been beautiful....than to have had it and lose it

if you are never beautful, then you have to develop other qualities to attact people...a loving or funny personality...something that makes you worth having around...

and the other thing I have realized is that I have nothing to offer without my looks.

If you want to contribute to the tina so very much wants a new life....email me..

theartsill@hotmail.com

I will hold my breath....just like I have for the last 7 years for Keith to realize how stupid he was to leave me......

yeah...gonna happen

seeing keith

I went to see the parents this weekend.  Johnny was there.  Mom put on some videos of the family from years ago.  And there was Keith.  I saw him and I do not lie, I thought I was going to faint.  My breath left my body, I heard a buzzing in my ears.  It was totally weird.  And I knew I still loved him.  God help me.  But, I did.

I couldn't say anything with the family...but all I wanted to do was play the tapes over and over so I could just see him again.  I haven't laid eyes on him in over 7 years.  And seeing his face made me want to cry. 

What a weinee I am.