Football season is almost over for another year.  Christmas..bah humbug...is almost upon us again.  And another year is coming to an end.  And nothing in my life has improved.  No dates, no lost weight, less money,  still gambling.

You know how some people are born with disabilities.  I think I was born with something missing on the inside.  That part of a person that allows them to be content and happy.  That thing that keeps most people from always feeling discontented and tormented.  Somebody left out the happy gene from my makeup.  I am blessed beyond belief...and I cannot be happy.  Just cannot do it.  I have a safe job in this time of fear.  I am basically healthy even though I have never taken care of myself.  My family still lives and is healthy.  I have a few friends.  I am not young and pretty anymore, but I am not horrible looking.  My life is not hard.

There are so many who have so much less.  I am blessed.  And I just cannot be happy.

I have never been.  No matter what.  I have had "moments" of happiness of course.  But, long term sustained being content with my life.  No way.  I have the ability to always find some reason to be unhappy.  I am now 52 years old.  and I guess without a miracle from God, I am not going to change.  That is a horrible thought, but I think it's true.

I am always thinking ...with this one thing...I could be happy.  If just this would happy, then I could be happy. 

Use to be I would moan groan and cry all the time.  I got drugs for that of course years ago.  Then Keith left me, and I think I died inside.  8 years ago and counting.  I have been empty ever since.  Going through the motions, but feeling nothing except despair sometimes. 

Basing my happiness on some outside object.  Keith or money or my looks.  I know all that is wrong.  I am a smart girl.  I know that.  But, I don't know how to be different.

I have tried.